Some funny stories

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

A tent

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and woke up his faithful friend.
Holmes: Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson: I see millions and millions of stars.
Holmes: What does that tell you?
Watson thought for a minute.
Watson: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
Holmes: Watson, it tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!

Genie in the lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
Genie: OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!
The man sat and thought about it for a while.
Man: I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I never travel by boat because I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?
Genie: That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the bridge supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel!! No, think of another wish!
The man tried to think of a really good wish.
Man: I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . .
Genie: You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

School Question

Mother: Little Jimmy, why are you home from school so early?
Little Jimmy: I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mother: Oh, really? What was the question?
Little Jimmy: Who threw the eraser at the principal?

Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not say a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, you win. Where's the boat?"

Getting Out of A Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to drive much faster. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw the flashing red and blue lights of a police car behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and drove even faster. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and stopped. The policeman came up to him, took his driving license without a word and examined it and the car.

- It's been a long day, this is the end of my working day and it's Friday afternoon. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.

The driver thinks for a second.

- Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.
- Have a nice weekend.